To enter the FedEx Small Business Grant Contest and compete for a share of $50,000 in small business grants, tell FedEx – by February 9 – what separates your business from the rest. Once your application is approved, the voting period begins and the number of votes you receive will boost your visibility in the contest and is one factor that FedEx will consider when selecting the finalists and the winners.

Got it? Free money! What are you waiting for? First step, write an idiotic “business plan.”

Of course, by now everybody at FedEx is FedUp with your writing skills:

“Skate Time 209 would use the grant to invest in a flying trapeze/circus program for our youth. This program would help kids get fit and learn the skill of entertaining. The social network that is created through the bond of circus teamwork, commitment and discipline, can combat the seductive appeal of gangs and drugs. The sense of accomplishment and self-determination learned through trapeze and circus program will carry into other aspects of kids lives and would be a positive impact on the community.”

When you’re done with the blah-blah-blah, focus on step two: getting the votes. Go to Facebook, create a fake event and ask the guests to vote for you:

And always, always lead by example:

And always impart your wisdom unto the unwashed masses.

“They say everything in politics is about timing, and trapeze is absolutely about timing. It’s like a pendulum going back and forth,” Terry Bernardo said. “Timing is everything.”

– Jon Dogar-Marinesco